Vintage football game
Ever wondered what those actions you see in football were called ? Well wonder no more…

Below we give you the descriptions and correct terminology for something you see in a match, but don’t know exactly what the name is for what you’ve just witnessed. For example: When the magic spray is used on a player that is obviously not injured and just time wasting – or the petulant kicking away of a ball after a decision doesn’t go your way. With this Meaning of Biff we give you that information so that next time you are watching a game and you notice something you can comment: “Oh he’s gone and Wengered that…”

* The small print: This is meant to be a homage and spoof of the late great Douglas Adams (& John Lloyd – not late, just grumpy) book and no copyright infringement is intended.

The Meaning of Biff is co-authored by FootieAndMusic, NutmegRadio, Futfanatico and dickvandyke
Armfield [arm-field]: To regress into a monochrome soot-covered world of pipe and slippers.

Arshavin [arse-shaven]: 1. A one-season wonder. 2. Great in a tournament, but found out in a league.

Barton [barr-tunn]: 1. To have a criminal record. 2. To profit from your thug image.

Beckham [bek-cam]: Holding on to the pipedream that at the age of 37 and playing in a pub standard league – that you’ll still got a chance of playing for England again.

Bent [ben-tuh]: 1. To be consistently inconsistent whilst pointing in a curved direction. 2. See Redknapp (senior).

Carroll [carr-oll]: 1. To warm a seat every Saturday afternoon. 2. To drink socially.

Chivu [chi-voo]: To bring a man down deliberately and get up graciously accepting your yellow card. Eg, he was going past me so I did a Chivu.

Delap [dee-larp]: Using a towel excessively. The flick the arse of a fellow player with the towel in the changing room after a match.

Drogba [drog-baa]: Tripping over one’s own bottom lip.

Gerrard [jer-hard]: 1. Thinking that the team can’t win without you. 2. Leaving your mark at a disco.

Hargreaves [Aarg-reaves]: A traditional Germanic paean to never-say-die stoicism in the face of squeeky plastic joints.

Hoddle [hod-dull]: To sit on a swivel chair with legs akimbo whilst talking utter bollocks.

Hodgson [hodge-son]: To remain a respected figure whilst in possession of a dry quiff and an inability to roll one’s ‘r’s.

Lampard [lamb-parr]: 1. Ring and badge kissing whilst pointing towards the sky. 2. To have the turning circle of the Titanic.

O‘Neill [oh-nee-eel]: 1. Having a hatred of the fax machine and associating it with losing players. 2. Blaming old technology for club failings.

Owen [oh-uhn]: 1. To be mocked mercilessly by @piersmorgan.
2. To send a brochure touting your value. (See also: HenryWinter)

McClaren [muck-clarr-en]: 1. Having a taxi constantly on standby. 2. To be the cause of the slump in golf umbrella sales.

Moyes [mo-oi-ease]: To manage beyond your means. To keep a club afloat when they should have been relegated two seasons ago.

Neville [Nev-ill]: 1. To secure a job in punditry on the strength of connections alone. 2. The Mancunian pop-art of fraternal neanderthal mediocrity. (See also Gallacher)

Pulis [poo-leys]: 1. Not having any geographical sense. 2. To prepare a large amount of sandwiches for an Europa League away trip.

Redknapp (senior) [Hurry-up-Harry]: 1. A footballing version of Del Boy. 2. To be promised the England job even with the shady dealings.

Reid [reeed]: 1. Never cheer up.
2. To chase back helplessly. (See also Fenwick and Hodge)

Shearer [she-rurr]: 1. Owning a jumper that is brighter than your opinions. 2.Put in temp charge without any management experience.

Shevchenko [chev-chenk-oh]: To be the owner’s 30 million pond pet. 2. Paying top dollar and getting a Reliant Robin in return (see also Carroll, Torres)

Torres [tor-rez]: 1. Regretting what you originally perceived as a clever move. 2. To have buyer’s remorse.

Vertonghen [ver-ton-gen]: The injury sustained when an elastic band travels at great speed in precisely the opposite direction to that expected. (via @Twisted_Blood)

Walcott [wawl-kuht,-kot]: To spray a shot at a spectator when aiming for goal. Also known as a Gordon. || “Wilson walcotted that.”

Warnock: [war-knock]: 1. To use a never ending stream of expletives. 2. Cursing of the opposition due to failed tactics.


Webb [we-buh]: 1. To show favour to the home side. 2. Manchester United’s twelfth man.

Wenger [veng-gurr]: 1.To have a mild tantrum. 2. The action of throwing a water bottle. || “He’s Wengered the water…”

Wilkins [wilk-ins]: To coo softly like a freshly shaven bush baby.

Woodgate [would-gayte]: An inanimate gate made of wood.

Zamora [zam-or-a]: To be constantly hit by the ball when watching a Fulham match from the very top row of the stand.

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