That’s it.

There isn’t any point in continuing.

Before before we do though, listen below.

Seriously. Do not read any further until you’ve had a listen:

» Jess Conrad and Tanya Tenola – Soccer Superstar (That’s What You Are)

You see ! You see !

No don’t stop it. Play it. Play it through the pain.

Right now you’ve just committed an act of violence on some inanimate object. A printer has just gone flying off your desk.

It’s alright. It is justified.

Obviously some explanation is needed:

The object of this site is to find that football and musical perfect storm. Sometimes they can be bad but they are usually still listenable. Until now.
Jess Conrad
The major offender to your ears just now is one Jess Conrad. A name you may have heard in passing but don’t know why.. Where have you heard it before ?

If you’ve been on a cruise ship and watched that bad cabaret with the cheesy lounge singer. This bloke was the template.


There is a bigger horror. More terror than you can imagine.

Again before we continue a mention for WFMU’s Beware of the Blog a place full of musical oddities which you have to spend some time going through.

It is to their ‘credit’ that they posted the origins to this footie and music crime committed by Conrad. But guess what.. he was not alone – and it now gets weirder…

That assault on your ears was from an album called – The Showbiz XI – The Showbiz Soccer Song LP

WFMU’s Beware of the blog will explain more:

The Showbiz XI were a charity celebrity football team set up in the 1950s and over the years raised a lot money for good causes by arranging soccer matches and associated events throughout Britain. However not content with having a second career as would-be football players, the so-called celebs also opted for a third career as would-be singers – with dubious results. There were two Showbiz XI albums issued in 1989 and 1990 with some songs appearing on both….

Jess Conrad…A lot of the blame must go to team leader/manager Jess Conrad. He was a teen idol of the early 1960s and was never much of a singer, opting to sing some very wet songs. No less than three ended up on Kenny Everett’s Worlds Worst Record Show on radio in 1977. The front of the sleeve shows Jess in football gear saving a goal but musically scoring an own goal in the process. His three contributions are let down by his leaden, tuneless singing and, again, a bizarre choice of material…

…But the worst offender is Soccer Superstar, a plodding jazz-funk dirge to football stardom with an all-time bad opening line: “Passing, kicking, shooting, dribbling, tackling, heading and ball control” sung by Jess and fellow vocalist Tanya Tenola with flat delivery and very little enthusiasm. The first time I played this I thought the record was pressed off-centre. It isn’t!

The WFMU blog continues but things becomes even weirder and very, very strange…

Just say no !A giggle is Steve Bent’s seemingly helium-enhanced Country and Western Cowboy that has about as much to do with cowboy spurs as the Showbix XI have in common with Spurs FC. But save room for Why Did They Take Heaven? by Denis Gilmore and Lee MacDonald. This is truly toe-curling. They half talk/sing as father and son with the quizzical kid asking questions about nature and the environment with dad putting him right. Lee MacDonald was a child actor who played Zammo Maguire in the hit kids drama Grange Hill. But he’s no singer and even has trouble speaking in time to the music. “Is it true you drink rain water? Were there fishes in the sea? And other life in the world apart from you and me?” he says in staccato as though he were being slowly electrocuted. Denis Gilmore as ‘dad’ is even worse, being so wooden he’s giving off splinters.

Yep you read that right. Zammo from Grange Hill.

Leaving you now with another track from this album, which if you haven’t gone mad after the Conrad song, this one should push you over the edge:

Showbiz XI at Wembley

7 Replies to “Soccer Superstar – That’s What You Are”

  1. I still love it for being awfully bad, in the same way I love a truly awful film. Perfect music for a lift. (Yes, it makes you p*ss yourself laughing, but the sax belongs in one of those that transports you up and down with little effort :D)

    However, the Showbiz Soccer Team one is hilarious: “Gimme an S…” Not ripping off any song at all, is it? 😀

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