A short introduction on what to do/how to behave in certain situations when watching the football.

Watching a match in a pub

Always be aware of your surroundings when watching a football match in a pub you’ve never been to before. Most of the time it can be obvious that it is a Chelsea or a Everton supporting pub, but not always. If you are not certain as to which way to cheer, wait until something happens then see what everybody does – and make sure you cheer along, even if you don’t like the team. If you sit there quietly everybody will immediately look around to you. (If you go into a pub and the Great British Bake Off is on instead of the match, DO NOT ask the barman to switch it over. Those #GBBO fans are more rabid than a Spurs supporter)

» Ian Dury & The Blockheads – Mash It Up Harry


You are allowed to use the term “wanker” to describe the referee at any time. Especially when it is perceived that all the decisions are going against your team. (Even if they are and you are challenged about this by a mate, your reply should be; “Ah he’s still a wanker.”)

» Max Bygraves – What A Referee


Just because football players kiss each other after scoring does not give you permission to also snog your seat neighbour at the same time. (This does not apply though if you are best friends with said neighbour, or married to him/her)

» Space – Love You More Than Football

5-A-Side Matches

You are always “up for it” even if you are not. Your friends live on false promises, don’t let them down with a flat refusal.
When it comes to the day of the actual match and you don’t actually fancy it, you can now use “ah mate I forgot I was going to ______ today” or the “I done my ankle the other day running for the bus, I can’t put any weight on it” (But don’t forget to renew that false promise that you’ll be there next time, honest)

» Strawberry Fair – Football Star

Talking about the team

Always use the possesive “we” when in conversation with a fellow fan. Try to make it sound like you were actually part of the team and you had first-hand experience of the event you are discussing.

» Fever Pitch Soundtrack – Football

When the other side wins or loses

When your team wins try to hold yourself. Gloating is very immature. Don’t point and laugh at your opposite number. Especially if you want to exit the pub all in one piece. Instead you should shake hands and say; “well played old chap, maybe next time.”   The same rule applies if your team loses. If there is a Man United fan near to you don’t immediately start punching him in the head. There will be a very, very big temptation. Try to fight it and not him. (This does not apply if you’ve had copious amounts of alcohol. In this instance just go with your instinct.)

» Sultans Of Ping FC – I’m In Love With A Football Hooligan (Live)

Feel free to add your own guide to football etiquette below:

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