Starting with the geezer below who has carved a new career and is now a confirmed thespian…

Screencap from his Funny or Die video Attack Cardio with Vinnie Jones

…and who is happy to retain this hard man image because it keeps getting him work in such box-office-busters/Oscar ignored classics such as Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties, Mean Machine, EuroTrip, The Big Bounce, She’s the Man, Night at the Golden Eagle, Swordfish, and X-Men: The Last Stand.

Jones, Vincent Peter says himself about this:

“Puffy faces, beer bellies – I can’t afford to go that way. For the parts I play I’ve got to look respectable, lean and mean.”

I have to say though… look at those hamster cheeks in that Funny or Die video.

- Looking back on his footballing career and his opinion on that was:

“I’ve always felt that people put me down, and I’d fight back. I played football 15 years, and nobody gave me any credit, and they never will do.”

He still plays – Probably doesn’t get credit or much attention for a team he plays for at his new gaff called the Hollywood All Stars Football Club who a few months back played the Sirens of Soccer in a charidee match:

Taking us back in time now before the bar fightin’ and the Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels breakout role. But after his high tackling and knacker grabbing playing days.

It was a transitional period in which Vinnie tried a few things out. When he was still playing there was that “Soccer Hard Men” video and Jones liked that time in front of the camera so he began to pop up on various TV shows, such as the UK version of Gladiators. Also around then he went into the recording studio and football and music, who as we know should be two strangers that pass in the night. But unfortunately they ran into Vinnie Jones.

A couple of his single releases plus a few choice cuts from his (thankfully) one and only album:

[See post to listen to audio] » Vinnie Jones – Crazy Games [See post to listen to audio] » Vinnie Jones – Wooly Bully [See post to listen to audio] » Bad, Bad Leroy Brown (With Jools Holland) - Video [See post to listen to audio] » Vinnie Jones – Shake A Tail Feather

Oh those pearls of wisdom...?

It seems that Mr Jones has a testicle obsession. Not just with grabbing Gazza’s, he also can’t stop talking about them.

Be it with a spoken intro on Joss Stone’s 3rd album:

[See post to listen to audio] » Joss Stone/Change – Vinnie Jones Intro

…or when playing a character in the movie Snatch:

[See post to listen to audio] » Vinnie Jones – Shrinking Balls (spoken audio)

(Vinnie old mate you need to talk to a psychiatrist.)

Additionally: If you go to the News Page on the Hollywood Allstars FC website you’ll hear a looping dance instrumental with an audio sample of the former hod carrier saying: “Who the fcuk are ya ?” – and he answers his own question with: “The greatest football team in the world.”   At least that’s what I think it says.
Again Vincent old bean….make an appointment.

Ah since it’s Crimbo go on then

He can’t act. He can’t sing. He went a long way.

You want to listen to all the tracks on that album ? Seriously ?

Go on and click on Vinnie’s derrière below to continue:

The Bayern cover versions last week and now this. Yes I do hate you.

Ah I betcha know who and what is coming next.

This next film was a Hollywood vehicle intended to launch someone into future starring roles.

What happens is the person in question was a support in a.n.other movie and subsequently got a lot of notice in this role (c.f: Russell Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall) and then the big studios take a gamble by putting together something in which they hope will put the leading actor onto the A list.
And of course make the studio a ton of money as well.

An attempt at this was made with:

Vinnie Jones in: MEAN MACHINE

Previously known for his less than subtle tackles on some others and whilst still as a player Vinnie was paid to front the video: Soccer’s Hard Men which got him into a bit of bother:

…He also was the presenter of the infamous Soccer’s Hard Men video released in 1992, which featured archived footage of himself and many other “hard men” of the game, and included advice for budding “hard men”. After the release of the video, Jones was fined £20,000, banned for six months, and suspended for three years from The FA for “bringing the game into disrepute.” Wimbledon chairman Sam Hammam branded Jones a “mosquito brain”. Jones continued to find trouble. After exceeding 40 disciplinary points he was once again summoned to Lancaster Gate, but failed to appear. The FA banned Jones indefinitely. Jones explained that he had “mixed up” the date of the hearing; the FA imposed a four-match ban and told Jones to “grow up.” Jones commented later: “The FA have given me a pat on the back. I’ve taken violence off the terracing and onto the pitch.”     [source]

He liked this brush with the media and the exposure it gave him. After retirement from playing he subsequently began to appear on various telly programmes as well as a (thankfully) short musical career. [More about that at a later date.]

Then a couple of years later a mate of his who was a budding film director cast him in this low budget, UK made Cockerney caper and thus… Hold on a sec…

Can I get a… on this…? Yes…? Vinnie Jones is now a thespian. A confirmed one at that.

After the unexpected success of Lock, Stock and notice by everyone of Vinnie’s natural progression from a hard man into a err…. hard man, more money was thrown at Guy Ritchie to see if lightning can strike twice in the same place and it pretty much did.

After these two strong showings by Vinnie it was time to see if he could hold up on his own and with Matthew Vaughn, (the Producer of Lock, Stock and Snatch) & Guy Ritchie as Exec Producer they looked at how they could get a quick return on this investment by taking and remaking a well known story and tooling it for Vinnie’s obvious talents. Thus the change the American football into soccer Mean Machine movie was made.

» Click to view some stills from the film

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What’s the film like ? Dunno. I haven’t seen it myself. I’ve looked through a few online reviews and it’s basically what you see is what you get – an English accented remake of the 1974 Burt Reynolds movie The Longest Yard.

The Soundtrack:

Now this is the thing about what is billed as an original soundtrack. It actually is.

Just like the Jimmy Grimble soundtrack this is an album that could exist separate from the movie. If I played the whole CD to you, barring a few songs, you would not guess that this was a soundtrack for a footballing movie.

This compilation is a mix of genres with some familiar pop tunes as well as some obvious linked to footie songs.

A few examples:

[See post to listen to audio] » Krafty Kuts – Who’s Da Man
[See post to listen to audio] » Tin Tin Out -Strings For Yasmin
[Actual footie connection with that one.]
[See post to listen to audio] » Firstborn – The Mood Club
[See post to listen to audio] » Pressure Drop – Dusk

This next one which I’m led to believe was featured in the film but didn’t make it onto the soundtrack:

[See post to listen to audio] » Lo-Fidelity Allstars Feat Pigeonhead – Battle Flag

I’ve grouped together there what would be considered as dance music.
(Going a bit corny here, but these are some banging tunes)

There are some film score tracks on the CD too, which don’t actually sound like your average film score music. Especially when you read the title of the first track and then have a listen to it:

[See post to listen to audio] » Mean Machine Soundtrack – Danny In Solitary
[See post to listen to audio] » Mean Machine Soundtrack – Flight Night

Not what you expect when you think “solitary confinement”

Wrapping this up for now… I might post some additional if you ask nice, but for now a couple of very infectious tunes:

[See post to listen to audio] » Middlerow -Right Proper Charlie
“Bruv ! Are you sure bruv ?!” My favourite of all the tracks.

[See post to listen to audio] » Little T & One Track Mike – Wings

One each from both sides of the Atlantic there. Neither of them like the above (and previous soundtracks) have anything to do with footie. In fact the last one references basketball, but bugger it. I like the tunes.

» Link to video

Is it me or does it look like Jonesy has some hamster cheeks there…?